Friday, April 26, 2013

Eating Cake

I am having a hard time collecting my thoughts this week. I have what feels like a thousand things rambling around in my brain that I want to blog about but just can’t seem to make one thing come together. There are two main things that seem to stand out in my mind this week and they are: starting my photography business and all three of my children growing up so fast it hurts.

Lets start with that. Miss Sassafras. She will be 2 years old in 2 months. Ouch. I find myself staring at her sometimes trying so hard to memorize every single feature of her still small face. I stare like I can freeze time so that I can always, always remember what her little nose and eye lashes look like. What her pudgy little fingers feel like when her tiny little hand is in mine while we are crossing a parking lot. (Even if that hand is begrudgingly in mine!! She is so independent.) I really really try to freeze time so I can remember what it feels like when she throws those short little arms around my neck and squeezes soooooo tight and tells her daddy “No!!! MY baby!!!” And trying to freeze that absolutely precious sound of her incredibly addicting laugh when she gets tickled. How about when she goes to the bottom of the stairs and calls out “Audrey come on. Lets go.” Her little vocabulary isn’t so little any more. She has started stringing sentences together these last 2 weeks like nobody’s business.  What about when she gets her dose of Benadryl at night and she shivers and says “Taste. Like not taste.” Or when she gets that teaspoon of ibuprofen at nap time and bed time since she is cutting her final 4 teeth at one time and she says “Nummy medicine.” And even though she is soooo much like her mama in the attitude department that I feel sorry for her cause she’s more than likely got a long row to hoe ahead of her, she is so incredibly cute when she gets mad it is more often than not a struggle to keep a straight face and correct her. Instead of scooping her up and kissing her face completely off!! Jon has told me from day one that I am just so cute when I get mad. I guess now I know what he means.

I am having a little bit of a hard time with this because I know how it is going to go. I’ve done this twice already. I tried so unbelievably hard to remember every single thing about James and Audrey when they were infants and toddlers and I can barely remember any thing. If it weren’t for this blog and all the words I have written and the thousands upon thousands of pictures I have taken, I’d have very few memories of them when they were younger. That’s so sad. I can’t really even express how knowing that makes me feel. Time and memory are very deceptive. You think you will always be a mother to sleepless nights and bottle feedings and diaper changing's and then all of a sudden you are not. You think you will remember exactly what their little voices sounded like because it’s so precious and makes your heart swell so much. But all of a sudden you can’t. Life is bittersweet so much of the time. Of course you want your children to grow strong and healthy and become these amazingly independent people who love the Lord and still love and respect you. And you would be so sad if that were not to happen. But at the same time you want to keep holding their tiny little hands in yours. And keep feeling their little arms around your neck. And hearing their innocent laugh fill your home and your heart. Unfortunately, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. *SIGH*

P.S. I really hope you have a wonderful day after reading this slightly depressing post :) Cheers!!


Becky said...

what fabulous pictures! The good news is, you are realizing the importance of not letting time slip away EARLY. Most of us don't realize it until the chaps are grown. Love you much, Manny. You are such a wonderful example for us all!

Sam and Nelda said...

Even though you stumbled into this post, you, as usual captured your thoughts well. Wish all moms loved their time with their children the way you do. This world would be such a better place. You and your kiddos are blessed.

Tara said...

So I cried, while reading this post! It's so true, everything you said. They grow up so fast!! Someone asked me yesterday, how old my kiddos where? And after I answered, it took me back a minute. My baby is 3 and I am fixing to have a second grader!!!

Love the pictures!