I told him I was sorry

When I found out I was pregnant with bebe numero quatro it was a little bit of a shocker to say the least. To say the least. I may or may not have cried about having to start all over again. And then I may or may not have cried about crying. It was an emotional rollercoaster around here for the first few weeks.

I had such a rough time emotionally when I was pregnant with Olivia and for the first few months after she was born, that it scared me to death thinking about putting my family through that again. And with older kids this time who don’t forget things any more. And all the time I was going to miss out in Olivia’s kindergarten class. Not to mention the “plans” I had for myself once I got all the kids in school. Lets see, don’t they say ‘We make plans and God laughs?’ And lets not forget having to go through another spinal tap with major surgery. I shed lots of tears. And then one day in the shower I was boohooing and begging the Lord to please send me some peace and He did. It came into my mind that I had two choices: 1. I could fold like a deck of cards and give into all my fears and all the hormonal changes and let it control our lives OR 2. I could put on my big girl panties (literally a few months later hahaha) and do everything I possibly could to make this a fun and happy time for us. The Lord blessed me beyond measure with choice #2 and taught me so many lessons over the course of the last 10 months of my life.

The first night after Henry was born and he was laying on my chest in the middle of the night, I looked down at him and started crying because I just couldn’t believe he was here and he was mine and he was perfectly healthy. And it was so strange to me to think about how scared and worried I was in the beginning and I whispered to him “I’m so sorry I was so scared to have you.”